The things that have happened to me in the last three years have been quite profound. For me, at least.
2013 was the worst year of my life professionally. My boss/mentor/best friend was asked to head up a different department. I was next in line and held her position as interim for a few months, but did not like the direction the new leadership wanted to take the department so I declined from applying for the permanent role. The vice president over our department pulled me out and moved me to the fundraising side of things to oversee data management and gift processing. She then promoted someone with less experience and no management skills to take my bosses' position. I was angry, resentful, and felt completely marginalized. Before I moved out of my department, and long after, I went through the 5 stages of grieving...for the loss of my amazing boss. For the loss of my previous role. For the loss of my identity.
It was a very dark time for me. I went to the vice president and asked her to reconsider and she said no. Actually, she put a box of tissues in front of me and then said no, assuming I was going to cry. I could spend all day slamming her for some of the decisions she made as a leader or the way she treated people, but honestly, looking back, she taught me something very important. She made me own up to my personal fear of failure and embrace risk taking.
Hope came in late 2014 when said vice president left the university. They asked my boss to take back oversight of my old department. She said she would only do so if they gave it to her in the condition she would have had it in if she'd had it all along. So I was pulled back in to lead the department.
It was the job I never thought I wanted. High profile, demanding, intense pressure, and a huge risk and possibility of failure. But under the right circumstances, it could be great. And it was.
I decided that 2015 would be my year to take risks to overcome my fear of failure. I did an interview for a syndicated television show on behalf of my organization, I became vice president and conference chair of the state association for my profession, I served on a panel for a webinar for our regional professional association. I spoke at a function where there president was watching. While these may not sound scary to some people, they were for me: an extroverted introvert who is trying to overcome a fear of failure (and who isn't very fond of public speaking).
Looking back on 2015, I'd say that overall, it was a success. I have an amazing boss and a fantastic team and we were able to accomplish some pretty great things over the year. I definitely did not do it alone...and could not have done any of it without them.
Personally, life is good. the kids are old enough now that they entertain themselves for the most part and don't fight as much as they used to. There are the everyday struggles that come with managing a household, raising children, and working full-time, but those aren't the things I stress about. What bothers me, and what drove me back to my blog, is my weight.
Last year, I had a partial hysterectomy and actually lost a few pounds from the surgery. I looked great. I started running and couldn't keep my appetite in check. Gained and lost the same 5 pounds every week. Then, this summer, it became ten. This fall, when I stopped running, it became fifteen. Right now, my goal weight is 21 pounds lighter than I am today. My clothes barely fit and the self-talk going on in my head is pretty discouraging right now.
I know that part of the problem is my over-reliance on the scale. I weigh myself every morning. I shouldn't do that and I know it. I got back on track with strength training and running over the holiday break and am seeing muscle and strength gains. My eating is back in check. Physically, I feel pretty good. The hard part will be going back to work on Monday and trying to maintain the healthy habits I have started.
My resolutions and goals for 2016:
- Run/walk 500 miles
- Strength train 3x a week - no excuses
- Stay consistent with Kayla Itsines and Tone It Up workouts
- Eat cleaner - indulge occasionally, but never twice in one day and or for consecutive days
- Eliminate the scale and celebrate non-scale victories
- Post to fitness/health Instagram account to check in daily
- Blog at least once a week
- Stay organized - personally and professionally
- Get out more - do more outings with the kids and as a family
- Read more books
- Limit Facebook time (you know you've been on Facebook too much when you have a dream that Mark Zuckerberg knows who you are)
- Remember that I am only in competition with myself
- Speak to myself the way I would a good friend
- Practice gratitude
- Speak kindly of others or say nothing at all
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