A Better Day

Feeling a little better about myself today. Went for a 3.25 mile interval run, did a full-body workout and then a foam rolling/stretching routine. I am going back to work tomorrow a little heavier than I was when I went on holiday break, but I do know that some of that is water weight and some might even be a little extra muscle.

Three Years Later

Three years...wow. With the New Year here, I thought about how helpful I found blogging to be in the past for helping me to reflect on the good and bad in my life. Logging in today, I see that it has been nearly three whole years since my last post.

The things that have happened to me in the last three years have been quite profound. For me, at least.

2013 was the worst year of my life professionally. My boss/mentor/best friend was asked to head up a different department. I was next in line and held her position as interim for a few months, but did not like the direction the new leadership wanted to take the department so I declined from applying for the permanent role. The vice president over our department pulled me out and moved me to the fundraising side of things to oversee data management and gift processing. She then promoted someone with less experience and no management skills to take my bosses' position. I was angry, resentful, and felt completely marginalized. Before I moved out of my department, and long after, I went through the 5 stages of grieving...for the loss of my amazing boss. For the loss of my previous role. For the loss of my identity.

It was a very dark time for me. I went to the vice president and asked her to reconsider and she said no. Actually, she put a box of tissues in front of me and then said no, assuming I was going to cry. I could spend all day slamming her for some of the decisions she made as a leader or the way she treated people, but honestly, looking back, she taught me something very important. She made me own up to my personal fear of failure and embrace risk taking.

Hope came in late 2014 when said vice president left the university. They asked my boss to take back oversight of my old department. She said she would only do so if they gave it to her in the condition she would have had it in if she'd had it all along. So I was pulled back in to lead the department.

It was the job I never thought I wanted. High profile, demanding, intense pressure, and a huge risk and possibility of failure. But under the right circumstances, it could be great. And it was.

I decided that 2015 would be my year to take risks to overcome my fear of failure. I did an interview for a syndicated television show on behalf of my organization, I became vice president and conference chair of the state association for my profession, I served on a panel for a webinar for our regional professional association. I spoke at a function where there president was watching. While these may not sound scary to some people, they were for me: an extroverted introvert who is trying to overcome a fear of failure (and who isn't very fond of public speaking).

Looking back on 2015, I'd say that overall, it was a success. I have an amazing boss and a fantastic team and we were able to accomplish some pretty great things over the year. I definitely did not do it alone...and could not have done any of it without them.

Personally, life is good. the kids are old enough now that they entertain themselves for the most part and don't fight as much as they used to. There are the everyday struggles that come with managing a household, raising children, and working full-time, but those aren't the things I stress about. What bothers me, and what drove me back to my blog, is my weight.

Last year, I had a partial hysterectomy and actually lost a few pounds from the surgery. I looked great. I started running and couldn't keep my appetite in check. Gained and lost the same 5 pounds every week. Then, this summer, it became ten. This fall, when I stopped running, it became fifteen. Right now, my goal weight is 21 pounds lighter than I am today. My clothes barely fit and the self-talk going on in my head is pretty discouraging right now.

I know that part of the problem is my over-reliance on the scale. I weigh myself every morning. I shouldn't do that and I know it. I got back on track with strength training and running over the holiday break and am seeing muscle and strength gains. My eating is back in check. Physically, I feel pretty good. The hard part will be going back to work on Monday and trying to maintain the healthy habits I have started.

My resolutions and goals for 2016:

• Run/walk 500 miles 
• Strength train 3x a week - no excuses
• Stay consistent with Kayla Itsines and Tone It Up workouts
• Eat cleaner - indulge occasionally, but never twice in one day and or for consecutive days
• Eliminate the scale and celebrate non-scale victories
• Post to fitness/health Instagram account to check in daily
• Blog at least once a week
• Stay organized - personally and professionally
• Get out more - do more outings with the kids and as a family
• Read more books
• Limit Facebook time (you know you've been on Facebook too much when you have a dream that Mark Zuckerberg knows who you are)
• Remember that I am only in competition with myself
• Speak to myself the way I would a good friend 
• Practice gratitude
• Speak kindly of others or say nothing at all 

I am really so blessed. I am healthy, if not fit. I am loved. I have a great career. My boys are really good kids. I have amazing friends. I have a good life. I am not perfect and will probably always see myself as a work in progress, but perhaps that is a good thing.   

The River Varicose

I was checking out my legs in the mirror this morning, hoping that the spin, Pilates, and BODYPUMP workouts I've been doing lately (okay, sporadically) were working. Instead of seeing muscle tone (though there was some), I saw something blue. I followed it as it snaked and looped and swerved all around my left leg and my right leg.

Varicose veins!!! I was horrified.

#1, because they are ugly. U-G-L-Y!
#2, because veins gross me the F out. 

I know, I know. I shouldn't be surprised. I am pushing 40, you know. Still, I think it is bad enough that I have cherry angiomas all over my belly.

There is going to be some serious lasering taking place sometime in the future. And Botoxing and Restalyne-ing.

Herbalife?

I have this girlfriend whom I love to no end. I have known her since I was 19 and over the years, we have both struggled with weight issues. She is in the same boat as me - she's never been fat but goes through phases where she goes back and forth between being in and out of shape.

She started using Herbalife awhile back and said it has changed her life. She is now getting into the business end of it, so she decided to share her story on Facebook.

I got in touch with her and am now signed up as a distributor. I have no interest in the business end of things ... just did it for the discount. I find that taking the products definitely makes me feel better, and it keeps my blood sugar stable so I do not think about snacking. The problem is that it is hard to stay consistent with it for various reasons, such as the fact that it gets boring drinking shakes/smoothies twice a day instead of actual food. Also, I have little willpower (a weak excuse, I know) and will skip my lunch shake if a friend or my hubby asks me out to eat.

What's funny though is that since I started doing it, I see Herbalife everywhere - never noticed it before. Sometimes it happens in a moment of weakness, like the day I was thinking "maybe I should just go back to the Atkins Diet," and a truck pulled in front of me with a Herbalife sticker on the back.

I am thinking that I will try being consistent with it for a week and see how it goes. Of course, this being Thanksgiving week and all, that might be a challenge, but I am going to try. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Couldn't do it. Still trying though!!! 

All Talk, Little Action

I did not eat the best this weekend but somehow managed to lose .5 pound. I have a formal event on Friday and am seriously considering doing Atkins for the next few days to get down a little more. See, this is my problem...I procrastinate before a big event and at the last minute I end up doing some kind of crappy fad diet to lose quickly...then I start eating normal again and it all piles back on.

I am moving more - getting in two solid workouts a week and, according to my Active Link device, am earning at least 3, sometimes 5-7, activity points each day. That is a start and probably the only reason I haven't gained another 5 pounds.

Part of the reason I have gravitated towards fad diets is that I am all or nothing when it comes to eating. I haven't mastered the art of moderation. I either eat no cake or I eat two pieces. I either eat hardly anything or eat all day. If I have one piece of popcorn, I will have 100. I have tried monitoring my hunger and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. I do find that I eat better on the days when I workout in the afternoon.

I feel like all I do is whine about my situation - I know, I need to do something about it!

No Easy Task

I don't know which is harder...eating right or posting regularly on my blog. If you go back in time, you can see that I used to post practically every day. Of course, that was before children. After having J. I posted regularly and after S., forget about it. It's always in my head but when it comes down to it and I have to choose between sleep and blogging, you can guess who wins.

I woke up this morning weighing more than I did for my last post...137. But that is me. If I eat something heavy the night before, like, say lasagna leftovers,  I will weight more in the morning. It all really comes down to dinner, is what I am figuring out.

I wish that made things easier for me but I have a husband who loves to cook.

Yeah, I know...I'm making excuses for myself.

Anyhow, on a positive note, I went to spin class yesterday and this morning, had a private Pilates session on the tramp reformer (and no, that is not something dirty). I am still feeling great from the Pilates session and so far, have eaten very well today. Herbalife shake for breakfast and half a turkey panini, some veggie chips and fresh spinach, carrot, celery, and parsley juice for lunch. Hopefully I will be able to hold strong during dinner.

Step Away from the Halloween Candy!

Did pretty well, food-wise the past few days. Scored 7 Weight Watchers activity points on Saturday, thanks to a session of Just Dance 4 on the Kinect and a fun night out with friends. Lost a little weight, waking up this morning to see 135 on the scale.

Lunch today was a little challenging. Went to Outback with a work friend. I've always read that when you dine with thin friends you tend to eat more if they do. Today, she felt like "being bad" so I played along. I then followed lunch with a few Special Darks from the Halloween candy stash. My pants are feeling a little tighter but I know I can make up for it at dinner...and perhaps fit in some Just Dance.

I know that I need to work on my "all or nothing" approach to healthy eating and working out. I honestly think that is my biggest problem. I will have a fattening meal and then decide to screw it for the rest of the day. Sometimes that day turns into a few days and that's when I start to gain.

I am determined to have a better night!

Change My Body, Change My Life

I remember the days when I didn’t think twice about what I ate. I just ate what I wanted and didn’t worry about it. My relationship with food was pretty decent until my best friend introduced me to the World of Fat Free. I still remember the moment quite clearly – a rainy day in 1992, we were at Subway and she ordered a neptune salad sub (you know, the one with the crab meat with a k). When she opened the sub, she freaked when she realized it had mayonnaise. I thought she liked mayo so I wasn’t sure what her problem was. “Mayo has fat!,” she exclaimed. In the coming weeks she educated me on the perils of fat and how eating fat will make you fat.


I was never the same after that because of course, what they didn’t tell us back then was that while fat isn’t necessarily good, calories are just as bad. So in went the gummy bears and Snackwell’s and marshmallows…it was okay because it was fat free! After about a year, I had gained 10 pounds. Twenty years later and I am still struggling with my weight.

Over the years I have been a yo-yo dieter – sometimes I am thin, sometimes not. Before children, my highest weight was 132 and I was miserable. Little did I know that after children, 132 would be a welcome weight. When I was pregnant with my first child, I gained 52 pounds. I lost the weight over the course of a year and got really skinny right before getting pregnant with baby #2 thanks to the Topamax I was taking for my migraines. After baby #2 was born (I gained 40+ pounds with baby #2 and would have gained much more if not for the fact that I had him a month early), I got back on the Topamax. It did the trick again but the second time on it, I ended up with all kinds of crazy side effects…ptosis, hair loss, and major anxiety and brain fog, so I ditched it.
After getting off the Topamax, my metabolism slowed down. I went from weighing 120 to 130 within a few months and at my highest, got up to 142. Today, my weight is around 137 which isn’t the worst, but I struggle every day. In the last year, I have tried so many diets…Body by Vi, hCG, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Herbalife, Tone it Up, etc. Nothing has worked for me…I will be good for a week or two, lose some weight and then give up before reaching my goal. I know this is because diets don’t work, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying them all, some more than once!
As for exercise, that is another thing that I have been very inconsistent about. Partly because of my lack of energy but also because I have some foot issues (morton’s neuroma in both feet) that makes some exercises painful.
I will be turning 39 next week and it got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if I could truly change my weight – not because I want to be skinny, but because I want to be healthy. Because I want to have more energy and wake up everyday NOT feeling like I am 100 years old. Because I want to live a long time so that I can someday meet and get to know my grandchildren. Because I want to feel good and be happy. Because of all those great side effects you get from eating a healthy diet and exercising.
Every day is a struggle for me. I will eat breakfast and all is good. Then lunch comes around and someone will invite me out…it’s all downhill from there. Or I will do really well for breakfast and lunch and then snack in the afternoon. And I feel such terrible shame when I eat bad that it puts me in a “to hell with it” kind of mood and I will eat like crap and just promise myself to do better tomorrow.

Some people will think that struggling with 10-15 pounds is not a big deal – try 100 pounds! I get that. I know I am not overweight. I am, however, unhealthy and on the borderline of being overweight…a few more pounds and I will be overweight. I am committing right here, right now, to preventing that from happening.
My goal is to build muscle and lose fat. My ideal weight is 123. Currently I am at 137 and around 32% body fat. I have started spinning once a week and doing yoga/Pilates some. My goal is to exercise at least 3 days a week. I am using the Weight Watchers Activelink to keep track. I want to look fit and toned when I celebrate my 40th birthday next year instead of having to double up the Spanx like I am for my birthday dinner tonight.
The journey starts now.

Sayonara, Atkins!

I barely made it the whole two weeks with the Atkins Diet, but I did make it. While my husband is steadily losing weight and will remain on the diet, I was not nearly as successful. Lost a total of 3.5 pounds, which just does not make it worth my while.

I did like how it kept my appetite under control and killed my carb cravings, so I have decided to cut out all junk food, sweets, refined sugars, bleached flours, etc. and stick to a diet of whole grains, fruits, veggies, and lean meats and see how it goes. I'm also going to measure out my food for a little while and track what I eat on DietWatch.

So far today I've done really well - no cravings and I feel full on standard servings (i.e., not the heaping servings I am used to feeding myself). Had some Colon Blow (aka Fiber One) cereal for breakfast and barley with black beans and cheddar cheese for lunch. Also went on a walk/run for about 2.5 miles. Definitely have more energy today. :)

Day 7

Day 7 of the Atkins Diet...getting frustrated because the scale hasn't budged since I lost the initial weight (which they say is water weight), even though I have been in ketosis all week AND have worked out a few times. I have to admit though that my jeans are fitting a little better and I'm not feeling as jiggly. Still, since I was 18 years old, I have relied on the scale to help me make peace (or declare war) with my self-esteem. 

Oh, how I long for the days when I didn't have to worry about such things! In high school, I could eat whatever I wanted...cafeteria tostadas at lunchtime, cheetos, pizza to my heart's content...and I wouldn't, couldn't gain a pound. Then the whole "fat free" movement occurred. I remember it like it was yesterday because T, my best friend at the time, was obsessed with it. I will never forget going to Subway with her and another friend one day...she ordered the seafood salad sub and when she got it, she freaked out and sent it back because it had mayonnaise in it. I thought she was being a little crazy until she explained that "mayonnaise has fat and fat makes you fat."

From that day forward, I had a love/hate relationship with food. I loved food...still love food, but I hated how it made me feel when I ate something I "wasn't supposed to eat." My weight goes up and down, up and down, and up and down as a result.

I am still happy with my decision to try Atkins, even if the weight isn't pouring off because I really am feeling better overall. Fatigued some, yes, but it has made me feel ambivalent to the sweets that I used to crave oh so much. Hopefully the weight will start shedding soon though because I've got at least 10 pounds that need to come off, and if I can be greedy here, I'd love to lose about 5 more on top of that.