Three Years Later

Three years...wow. With the New Year here, I thought about how helpful I found blogging to be in the past for helping me to reflect on the good and bad in my life. Logging in today, I see that it has been nearly three whole years since my last post.

The things that have happened to me in the last three years have been quite profound. For me, at least.

2013 was the worst year of my life professionally. My boss/mentor/best friend was asked to head up a different department. I was next in line and held her position as interim for a few months, but did not like the direction the new leadership wanted to take the department so I declined from applying for the permanent role. The vice president over our department pulled me out and moved me to the fundraising side of things to oversee data management and gift processing. She then promoted someone with less experience and no management skills to take my bosses' position. I was angry, resentful, and felt completely marginalized. Before I moved out of my department, and long after, I went through the 5 stages of grieving...for the loss of my amazing boss. For the loss of my previous role. For the loss of my identity.

It was a very dark time for me. I went to the vice president and asked her to reconsider and she said no. Actually, she put a box of tissues in front of me and then said no, assuming I was going to cry. I could spend all day slamming her for some of the decisions she made as a leader or the way she treated people, but honestly, looking back, she taught me something very important. She made me own up to my personal fear of failure and embrace risk taking.

Hope came in late 2014 when said vice president left the university. They asked my boss to take back oversight of my old department. She said she would only do so if they gave it to her in the condition she would have had it in if she'd had it all along. So I was pulled back in to lead the department.

It was the job I never thought I wanted. High profile, demanding, intense pressure, and a huge risk and possibility of failure. But under the right circumstances, it could be great. And it was.

I decided that 2015 would be my year to take risks to overcome my fear of failure. I did an interview for a syndicated television show on behalf of my organization, I became vice president and conference chair of the state association for my profession, I served on a panel for a webinar for our regional professional association. I spoke at a function where there president was watching. While these may not sound scary to some people, they were for me: an extroverted introvert who is trying to overcome a fear of failure (and who isn't very fond of public speaking).

Looking back on 2015, I'd say that overall, it was a success. I have an amazing boss and a fantastic team and we were able to accomplish some pretty great things over the year. I definitely did not do it alone...and could not have done any of it without them.

Personally, life is good. the kids are old enough now that they entertain themselves for the most part and don't fight as much as they used to. There are the everyday struggles that come with managing a household, raising children, and working full-time, but those aren't the things I stress about. What bothers me, and what drove me back to my blog, is my weight.

Last year, I had a partial hysterectomy and actually lost a few pounds from the surgery. I looked great. I started running and couldn't keep my appetite in check. Gained and lost the same 5 pounds every week. Then, this summer, it became ten. This fall, when I stopped running, it became fifteen. Right now, my goal weight is 21 pounds lighter than I am today. My clothes barely fit and the self-talk going on in my head is pretty discouraging right now.

I know that part of the problem is my over-reliance on the scale. I weigh myself every morning. I shouldn't do that and I know it. I got back on track with strength training and running over the holiday break and am seeing muscle and strength gains. My eating is back in check. Physically, I feel pretty good. The hard part will be going back to work on Monday and trying to maintain the healthy habits I have started.

My resolutions and goals for 2016:

• Run/walk 500 miles 
• Strength train 3x a week - no excuses
• Stay consistent with Kayla Itsines and Tone It Up workouts
• Eat cleaner - indulge occasionally, but never twice in one day and or for consecutive days
• Eliminate the scale and celebrate non-scale victories
• Post to fitness/health Instagram account to check in daily
• Blog at least once a week
• Stay organized - personally and professionally
• Get out more - do more outings with the kids and as a family
• Read more books
• Limit Facebook time (you know you've been on Facebook too much when you have a dream that Mark Zuckerberg knows who you are)
• Remember that I am only in competition with myself
• Speak to myself the way I would a good friend 
• Practice gratitude
• Speak kindly of others or say nothing at all 

I am really so blessed. I am healthy, if not fit. I am loved. I have a great career. My boys are really good kids. I have amazing friends. I have a good life. I am not perfect and will probably always see myself as a work in progress, but perhaps that is a good thing.   

Change My Body, Change My Life

I remember the days when I didn’t think twice about what I ate. I just ate what I wanted and didn’t worry about it. My relationship with food was pretty decent until my best friend introduced me to the World of Fat Free. I still remember the moment quite clearly – a rainy day in 1992, we were at Subway and she ordered a neptune salad sub (you know, the one with the crab meat with a k). When she opened the sub, she freaked when she realized it had mayonnaise. I thought she liked mayo so I wasn’t sure what her problem was. “Mayo has fat!,” she exclaimed. In the coming weeks she educated me on the perils of fat and how eating fat will make you fat.


I was never the same after that because of course, what they didn’t tell us back then was that while fat isn’t necessarily good, calories are just as bad. So in went the gummy bears and Snackwell’s and marshmallows…it was okay because it was fat free! After about a year, I had gained 10 pounds. Twenty years later and I am still struggling with my weight.

Over the years I have been a yo-yo dieter – sometimes I am thin, sometimes not. Before children, my highest weight was 132 and I was miserable. Little did I know that after children, 132 would be a welcome weight. When I was pregnant with my first child, I gained 52 pounds. I lost the weight over the course of a year and got really skinny right before getting pregnant with baby #2 thanks to the Topamax I was taking for my migraines. After baby #2 was born (I gained 40+ pounds with baby #2 and would have gained much more if not for the fact that I had him a month early), I got back on the Topamax. It did the trick again but the second time on it, I ended up with all kinds of crazy side effects…ptosis, hair loss, and major anxiety and brain fog, so I ditched it.
After getting off the Topamax, my metabolism slowed down. I went from weighing 120 to 130 within a few months and at my highest, got up to 142. Today, my weight is around 137 which isn’t the worst, but I struggle every day. In the last year, I have tried so many diets…Body by Vi, hCG, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Herbalife, Tone it Up, etc. Nothing has worked for me…I will be good for a week or two, lose some weight and then give up before reaching my goal. I know this is because diets don’t work, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying them all, some more than once!
As for exercise, that is another thing that I have been very inconsistent about. Partly because of my lack of energy but also because I have some foot issues (morton’s neuroma in both feet) that makes some exercises painful.
I will be turning 39 next week and it got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if I could truly change my weight – not because I want to be skinny, but because I want to be healthy. Because I want to have more energy and wake up everyday NOT feeling like I am 100 years old. Because I want to live a long time so that I can someday meet and get to know my grandchildren. Because I want to feel good and be happy. Because of all those great side effects you get from eating a healthy diet and exercising.
Every day is a struggle for me. I will eat breakfast and all is good. Then lunch comes around and someone will invite me out…it’s all downhill from there. Or I will do really well for breakfast and lunch and then snack in the afternoon. And I feel such terrible shame when I eat bad that it puts me in a “to hell with it” kind of mood and I will eat like crap and just promise myself to do better tomorrow.

Some people will think that struggling with 10-15 pounds is not a big deal – try 100 pounds! I get that. I know I am not overweight. I am, however, unhealthy and on the borderline of being overweight…a few more pounds and I will be overweight. I am committing right here, right now, to preventing that from happening.
My goal is to build muscle and lose fat. My ideal weight is 123. Currently I am at 137 and around 32% body fat. I have started spinning once a week and doing yoga/Pilates some. My goal is to exercise at least 3 days a week. I am using the Weight Watchers Activelink to keep track. I want to look fit and toned when I celebrate my 40th birthday next year instead of having to double up the Spanx like I am for my birthday dinner tonight.
The journey starts now.

Day 7

Day 7 of the Atkins Diet...getting frustrated because the scale hasn't budged since I lost the initial weight (which they say is water weight), even though I have been in ketosis all week AND have worked out a few times. I have to admit though that my jeans are fitting a little better and I'm not feeling as jiggly. Still, since I was 18 years old, I have relied on the scale to help me make peace (or declare war) with my self-esteem. 

Oh, how I long for the days when I didn't have to worry about such things! In high school, I could eat whatever I wanted...cafeteria tostadas at lunchtime, cheetos, pizza to my heart's content...and I wouldn't, couldn't gain a pound. Then the whole "fat free" movement occurred. I remember it like it was yesterday because T, my best friend at the time, was obsessed with it. I will never forget going to Subway with her and another friend one day...she ordered the seafood salad sub and when she got it, she freaked out and sent it back because it had mayonnaise in it. I thought she was being a little crazy until she explained that "mayonnaise has fat and fat makes you fat."

From that day forward, I had a love/hate relationship with food. I loved food...still love food, but I hated how it made me feel when I ate something I "wasn't supposed to eat." My weight goes up and down, up and down, and up and down as a result.

I am still happy with my decision to try Atkins, even if the weight isn't pouring off because I really am feeling better overall. Fatigued some, yes, but it has made me feel ambivalent to the sweets that I used to crave oh so much. Hopefully the weight will start shedding soon though because I've got at least 10 pounds that need to come off, and if I can be greedy here, I'd love to lose about 5 more on top of that.

The Diet I Swore I'd Never Do...

My NY resolutions haven't gone according to plan...at least not when it comes to weight loss. I have been working out more, which I am very happy about, but the weight wasn't coming off. Soooo, when my husband mentioned he was going to start the Atkins Diet, I agreed to do it with him.

I have always been against the Atkins...partly because I'm just not that into meat. Also partly, because I've been a staunch supporter of the "Diets Don't Work" movement. Desperate times call for desperate measures though, so here I am.

I am currently on Day 5 and have lost around 3 pounds. Not an astronomical amount, but it is the difference between a comfortable size 6 and a "hope they don't rip" size 6. What has impressed me with the diet is how quickly I stopped craving sweets and all things carb. Additionally, I feel more at ease...not constantly thinking about what I'm going to eat next or stressing about things I can't control. I think the best way to describe it is "even-keeled."

We will see how the next week or so goes once I finish the 2-week induction. I have a feeling though that I will stay on it through the other three phases and see if I can maintain a low carb lifestyle for as long as possible. Who would have thunk it?!?

2012 Resolutions

Let's see how many of these I can break in the first week. In all seriousness, there are a lot of things I need to change and now is as good a time as any...

• Lose 10 pounds. Ugh, I hate to even admit it out loud that I have let myself go, but I have. Not sure why, really, but since July I have gained at least 10 pounds. Emotional eating is the most likely culprit, paired with the fact that my feet are so bad that I can't do cardio at the moment. Feet are undergoing treatment and hope for that to change soon.
• Exercise at least 3 days a week. I am an all or nothing person for the most part, so this will be hard for me. I know I can do it though.
• Live in the moment. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and that what-ifs. I need to spend more time being and less time thinking. I know that if I can do that, I will enjoy life more.
• Spend less money. Okay, so this has been a resolution of mine for years and I've never really been conservative about the way I spend money. The problem is that my husband has become less conservative over the years as well. We need to tighten up. I am going to try to take the words, "It's only x dollars" out of my repertoire.
• Keep juicing. I never feel healthier than when I juice regularly. Lately, I've been doing it about 3x a week - would like to increase that if I can find the time.
• Feed the kids healthier foods. It's tough working full time and trying to get them to eat what they are supposed to and not junk. Especially when J refuses to eat ANYTHING green. I am going to have to break out Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook, methinks.
• Cook more often. I started baking over the holidays and for the first time ever, had a few successes. It made me realize that I actually enjoy baking. Maybe I will like to cook as well. I think I am finally ready to learn.
• Attend church (on days that are not Easter and Christmas). When I was a kid, I loved going to church. My parents didn't go, so my Sunday school teacher would come and pick me up. Since we are getting close to when J will need to attend CCD, it's time to get back into it, though we will likely have to sit in the crying room for awhile.

I think this is enough for now, though there are other things I'm sure I could improve upon.

Happy New Year!

A Wrinkle in Time

There have been millions of times when I have said, "I need to update my blog" since the last time I actually did, but alas, I can never get to the computer to do so when it's on my mind. Today though, I was actually at the computer so I can finally post something when I actually have something to say.

I turned 38 a few weeks ago and I kid you not, the second I did it was like God flipped a switch on my face and I am developing wrinkles at a rapid pace. What kills me is that I've spent thousands of dollars over time to take care of my skin - creams, serums, facials, etc. and my skin is no better than my husband's - also 38 - who does none of these things (thank God, or we'd be broke).

For my class reunion earlier this year, I tried Botox. Loved the effects it had on my forehead, until I forgot to tell my acupuncturist about it and she stuck needles there. Apparently, acupuncture draws out toxins. Who knew?!? I had them add some under and around my eyes and wasn't happy with the results but somehow made it to the reunion looking halfway decent. Still, I think I'm too young to become a Botox junkie. Maybe I should try another doctor?

An hour after I had my first Botox treatment, I looked in the mirror and noticed that one eyelid was drooping lower than the other. I freaked out (did you happen to see the episode of Modern Family where Al Bundy gets Botox?) and called the plastic surgeon's office. They said it couldn't have been from the Botox that soon...and they were right. Six months later and I still have it. My neurologist ran all kinds of diagnostic tests (blood work, MRI, MRA, etc.) and all came back negative for a medical cause. It very likely was from the Topamax I was taking for my migraines.

So here I am with a deep wrinkle in my chin, one starting on my nose, crepey skin under my eyes, major smile lines and ptosis of the eyelid. I am regretting every day I went out in the sun with baby oil and iodine in my teenage years and every second I spent in tanning beds in my 20s to look hot for a night out or a special occasion.

I guess I should be grateful that I've made it to 38, considering all of the stupid things I did in my youth. And I suppose I should be thrilled that visits to the dermatologist have not yet turned up squamous or melanoma skin cancers. But tell that to my vanity gene. All it cares about are the wrinkles.

Sigh.

Disney Karma

About a month ago, I decided to take J to Disney World. My place of employment offers discounted tickets (you save around $27), so I bought a ticket for myself there. I decided I was going to be sneaky and get J in as a child under 3 because a) he's small for his age, b) they charge almost as much as an adult ticket for a 4-year old, and c) we don't go there very often. I figured it would be a piece of cake because I'd be going straight in without having to stop and buy a ticket.

Disney Karma is a bitch, my friend...as I forgot my ticket and had to buy one for myself anyhow. Still, I refused to buy a ticket for J (and they are not allowed to ask how old your child is if there is any doubt that they could be under 3)...and actually, I didn't feel guilty about it because I ended up buying two tickets anyhow.

We went to the Magic Kingdom and had a fabulous time.

As the weeks passed, I couldn't just throw away a perfectly good $60 ticket to Disney, so I decided to bring J back - this time taking him to Animal Kingdom. I made sure I did not forget my ticket and away we went one bright, sunny Wednesday morning.

We got up to the turnstile and I put my ticket in the machine. The lady shook her head and said, "No, no. This ticket has already been used." I started to argue with her...I was incredulous. "What?!? No! There is no way!" Then, I looked at the ticket...it was the one I had bought a few weeks earlier at the Magic Kingdom. D'oh!

So, back I went to the ticket booth to buy another ticket. This time, the nice lady talked me into buying a 4-park pass (good through May 26) and even let me know that I could upgrade to an annual weekday pass for about $35 more.

So the following Sunday, I convinced hubby to come with me to bring J and S to Epcot. He used my $60 ticket and I used a punch on the 4-park pass (2 more to go now). All we did while we were there was eat (and eat and eat and eat).

Trust me, even if my 4-year old is getting in for free, Disney Karma has seen to it that Disney is getting paid. Disney always gets paid! And I'm sure I'll be going back and upgrading my ticket to the weekday annual pass. By the end of the year, I'll be wearing Minnie ears and a lanyard with pins as I stroll through the park with the rest of the freaks (just kidding - I would never do that)!

Allergies!

So far this week is a vast improvement upon the last - knock on wood!!! The boys are healthy, and for me, that means everything.

Hubby left the windows open on Saturday though and the pollen is kicking my ass. He has been blessed without seasonal allergies, so my love just doesn't understand my suffering. I was up all night coughing up green aliens and have an annoying cough that makes people scoot away from me as though I have the plague.

I think the Spring makes me more miserable than any other season for this reason...for one, it's beautiful outside and with daylight savings, there is time to go outside and enjoy the weather; but, it's like the devil offering an apple because as soon as I do, I am suffering.

Signed,
Can't wait for Summer!

Week from Hell

Let me share a little about my week from hell...

Last Friday, S. was diagnosed with Hand, Foot, & Mouth Disease...

Saturday, J. was diagnosed with it.

Sunday, J. developed painful blisters in his mouth and wouldn't eat or drink anything - this lasted through Wednesday.

Monday, I developed blisters in my mouth.

Tuesday, I took him to the doctor and in addition to HF&M Disease, she said she thought he might also have Fifth Disease.

Wednesday, S. came down with another fever so I brought him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with pink eye, an upper respiratory infection, and an ear infection. He was prescribed antibiotics (for the second time in 2 weeks), a steroid, and nebulizer treatments daily for the next few weeks with pumocort and albuterol.

Thursday, I finally got J. to school, but kept S. home with me. When attempting to take his temperature, he scratched the white of my left eye - HARD! Pain like I've not experienced in a long time! My doctor called in a script for hydrocodone for pain and antibiotic eye drops. After taking 3x the recommended dose of hydrocodone, I was able to finally sleep without pain.

This morning, the kids seemed to feel better so they went to school. I went to the opthamologist and was diagnosed with a corneal abrasion. In addition to the drops, I also have to take an antibiotic ointment - in my eye.

This evening, S. developed slapped cheeks and is starting to get a rash on his legs -- he also has a low-grade fever. Logic tells me that it's Fifth Disease.  Yes, it's mild, but c'mon now! Enough is enough!

Trying to figure out where all of this bad karma is coming from...thinking it might have something to do with me being a brat when I was a kid. If so, I'm screwed.

Wow, Long Time!

I have to apologize for taking such a long hiatus from my blog. Life has just been absolutely insane...today is no exception, but I decided to sit down and write something anyhow.

Update from August: my cousin (see previous post) is going to have a healthy baby boy on Monday morning. I couldn't be happier for her and her (now) fiance.

This cold and flu season has been very rough on us, which is the main reason for my lack of blogging. S. has been sick with RSV, ear infections, coxsackie virus, pink eye, upper respiratory infections, and stomach bugs. When he is home with me (which is at least 6 working days out of every month), it's hard to get work done, which means work is reserved for night. Exhausting, but necessary. J. has been healthy, save for this past week when he came down with coxsackie virus and herpeangina. Fun!

In other news, S. turned one last month. You would think, considering that he is always sick, that he would be a scrawny little thing, but not my boy! He loves food...LOVES it! He currently weighs in at close to 26 pounds and wears some clothes that are 2T. He can even fit into J.'s 3T-4T pull-ups when I am in a pinch. He just started walking though, so I expect him to slim down some soon.

I'm sure there is lots more I could share...and I promise I will soon. Hubby and J. just got home though, so it's time to get back to work! These kids, they are slavedrivers!

Holden Beach or Bust

We made it to our vacation destination, Holden Beach, NC...but not without drama abound, much of which made me think maybe we shouldn't even go. Like, maybe God was trying to tell us we shouldn't go.

It all started Friday when I picked the boys up from day care. The baby's "teacher" told me that he had 6 BMs that day. I was actually surprised that they didn't call me, as the week before they did the Friday before. Especially since, as the teacher told me, "it was mucousy."

Anyhow, S. was pretty sleepy in the evening and didn't really want to eat all that much. Obviously a good sign. I put him to bed at 9:30 and started to pack.

A little while later, I checked on him and realized that he had projectile vomited all over himself. He was freezing cold, which scared the bejeezus out of me. He seemed pretty lethargic and while he didn't have a fever, I was very afraid he was getting dehydrated. The hubby told me not to worry because he ate.

About an hour later, S. started projectile vomiting again. At this point, I wasn't hearing anyone. I was taking my baby to the ER.

Miraculously, by the time I got there, the color started coming back to his face. I almost left, especially since I was a little freaked out by the woman in the waiting room who was screaming and crying, but alas, they called S.'s name, so I decided to have him checked out.

We ended up staying until 3:30 am. I definitely can't fault them for being thorough! They did bloodwork, took a stool culture, and gave him an IV. Turned out his bloodwork was completely normal (no dehydration). I'll find out on Monday about his stool culture. I'm still glad I went.

Okay, so operating on 3 hours of sleep, I finished packing and got the kids ready. Thinking about a road trip with a diarrhea and vomit inflicted baby was not something I was excited about. Luckily, we had a Zofran script from the week prior to cancel out one of the issues.

So anyhow, while we were getting ready, J. was playing on the stairs. I told him to stop and he did. As he walked down the second flight though, he lost his footing and fell down the stairs, flipping and landing on his back on the wood floor below. I stood above him holding the baby and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, bar none! Luckily (and again, a miracle), he was not hurt. I, on the other hand, was so freaked out that I couldn't talk about it for the rest of the day without crying.

I was still reeling from that episode when S. projectile vomited on me.

Anyhow, somehow we made it out of the house and got on the road. It took us 9 hours to make a 7 hour trip, but we. are. here! Mind you, we had to endure hours and hours of J.'s "are we there yet?" and kicking my seat, but somehow, by the grace of God, we made it.

Now, I am looking at the ocean, and feeling a lot more relaxed. Life is better!

Mold Issues

I have been a bad girl.

Things just got so crazy and my maternity leave got away from me. It all started a few weeks into my maternity leave when we discovered a mold infestation in our house. It’s a long story, but the quick and dirty version is that the builder didn’t seal the stucco on the house and to make things worse, they thinned the paint to save money, so when the house started to settle and cracks started to form, water started seeping into the house, starting with Tropical Storm Fay back in 2008.

We had a guy come out to fix some floor boards that were damaged from T.S. Fay and when he started ripping up the flooring, he discovered mold. He ended up ripping up the flooring in 3 rooms. We had to get a mold removal specialist to come out – they removed a foot of drywall from the walls, along with the baseboards. We had to move out and live at my husband's aunt’s condo on the beach for a week (such torture – ha ha). When we moved back in, things still weren’t fixed, but the mold was gone. It would have been fine except that my husband had kept the windows open and the house had tons of pollen in it so our allergies were insane.

The whole thing was just a mess. They finally just painted and sealed the house, repaired the flooring and fixed the drywall about a week ago. We still have an air purifier going 24/7 because the drywall dust got into the a/c vent upstairs, but it’s getting better.

The whole ordeal has been a nightmare to say the least. I don’t think we will ever buy another brand-new house ever again, or at least not one from a cookie-cutter builder.

Sleep Deprivation, Stomach Viruses, and Uncontrollable Crying (Oh, My!)

I've been terrible about blogging since the baby arrived. Last night I found myself going through archives from when J. was a baby to get some clue as to how to deal with S.'s colic, and I realized how many milestones were documented for him. It made me decide to get back into blogging.

S. will be a month old on Friday, and this hasn't been an easy month. He was in the NICU for over a week because his lungs weren't getting enough oxygen - during that time, I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't drive, so I'd have my hubby drop me off at the hospital every day and I'd sit for hours, rocking him.

On the day he came home from the hospital, J. came down with the noro virus (a.k.a. stomach flu). As we were getting ready to leave the nursery with the baby, J. actually puked his guts out right there on the floor. He was sick for several days and I had to keep him home from daycare, which meant watching both babies by myself. While S. was spitting up on me, J. was having a blowout in his pants, and all the while I was praying that the baby wouldn't get it. My husband, sister, and mother-in-law all ended up with it, but luckily, the baby and I were spared.

A few days later though, I ended up catching a severe cold, which still hasn't gone away, thanks to sleep deprivation and stress.

From the moment S. came home, he seemed to have his days and nights confused. It didn't make sense to us because at the hospital, he was on such a regimented routine. Nearly three weeks later and I have come to the conclusion that he probably has colic. Some nights are worse than others, and last night was the absolute worst. There is nothing more desperate than a parent trying to get their child to stop screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night.

I find myself crying quite a bit...my husband walked in on me crying this morning and freaked out, thinking I might pose a risk to myself or the baby. I had to explain to him that it's called the "baby blues" -- it's normal and it's a release. If I didn't cry, I might be much worse off. Of course, I know I'm at risk for post-partum depression and I am keeping an eye on things.

I really hope and pray that things get better soon...at least before I have to go back to work. I swear, I wish I could work part-time -- or not at all, but I know that right now, that's not an option, so I will keep hoping and praying.

Here We Are Again...New Year's Eve

It seems like the years are just flying by. Even more so now that we have a child. I don't even think I thought much about my resolutions over the year...I think you just get to the point where you live your life and try to be the best person you can be every day. That said, I cannot resist making a few resolutions for 2010, even though I know I probably won't follow them...

1. To spend less time on the computer and more time with my family...or, more specifically, to limit computer time to working hours only

2. To lose all of this atrocious baby weight I have gained by this time next year. That gives me 8.5 months.

3. To eat more fruits and vegetables, and to get J. to eat more fruits and vegetables.

4. To not work AT ALL while on maternity leave.

5. To try and be more optimistic - not that I am a cynic, but I tend to over analyze things and find the negative. I want to learn to live and let live, and see the brighter side of things.

I think that's enough for now.

Rest Peacefully, Sweet Cody

This is not the Christmas Eve I envisioned when I woke up this morning. I actually woke up at 3 am from heartburn pain and decided to stay up and get some work done. At 6:30 I went downstairs and took care of the dog, letting him out and feeding him. I then decided to try and go back to sleep.

I woke up again at 9:45 and went downstairs to talk to my husband. Sitting in the corner was our dog, Cody. All of the sudden, Cody started acting strange and then had a seizure. He was foaming at the mouth and his jaw was locked down. At first, we thought he was choking on something, but then just as fast as it had started, it was over.

He seemed okay after that for about a half hour and then all of the sudden, his neurological functioning was impaired. He was confused, didn't know who my husband was, and lost control of his body.

My husband called the vet and there was no answer. We started thinking maybe Cody ingested something poisonous so he called the ASPCA Poison Control Center. Given the symptoms, they didn't have any answers. My husband called the vet again and still no answer, so he decided to take him to another vet, one that actually answered their phone.

By this time, which was only 45 minutes after he had the seizure, Cody's breath was labored and he was howling in pain. My husband called me 15 minutes later to let me know that he had died on the way to the vet's office.

My husband is on his way to take Cody's body to be autopsied so that we know what happened to him. The neurological impairment is similar to what our other dog experienced right before he died, so maybe it is something in the yard...I don't know. We have spent hours speculating but have no answers to explain how a 6-month old dog in excellent health could drop dead like that.

I am doing okay, but when I really think about it I get very emotional and cry. When J. saw me crying he asked what was wrong so I told him, explaining that Cody was in heaven with Cosmo, our border collie who passed away in June. J. looked at me and said, "we can get a new dog, Mommy." Though I don't think he really understands, it amazes me that kids can be so resilient. It is a good thing.

At this point, I really don't want another dog. Especially with a new baby on the way.

Anyhow, I hope our Christmas gets merrier because this sucks.

Can't a Pregnant Lady Get a Clean House?!?

So I've gotten to the point where cleaning just isn't happening. At least not without inflicting pain on myself or making me tired, so I decided to call in a professional.

The first lady I called gave me an estimate over the phone and told me she would be over the following day at 12. Noon came and went, as did 1, and then 2. I called her twice to find out if she was still coming and she never called me back. The last time I called her, I let her have it for not having the professionalism to at least tell me she couldn't make it. To this day, I've not heard back from her.

After she flaked out, I called a girl I used to work with who does cleaning on the side. I had hoped that since she knew me she would give me a fair price, but also do a good job. Well, the price was fair, but I got a little less than I paid for...she skipped all three of the bathtubs and didn't really scrub anything that she did actually clean. I actually ended up cleaning the tubs and the laundry room floor myself just to keep my husband from going ape shit on the girl.

Needless to say, we're back to square one in trying to find someone who will do a decent job of cleaning the house (and who will actually show up).

Bad Morning

Everything was going fine as I drove J to his first Little Gym class until I couldn't find the place. I looked everywhere, up and down the road where it was supposed to be, but apparently I missed it. To make matters worse, my phone was dead and the car charger wasn't working, so I couldn't call them to get the location or to let them know the situation.

I was so frustrated and upset, I even cried. Hormones? Probably.

I decided to run to my office to use the phone there, and wouldn't you know, I had the wrong set of keys so I couldn't get in. At this point, I was about to lose it, which actually did happen when J started asking me for candy that I didn't have. After about the 5th time he asked, I screamed at the top of my lungs. Usually something like this would bring him to tears, but he just looked at me like, "Oh shit, I'd better be quiet" and stopped asking.

Afterwards, when I was able to get some deep breaths in and calm down, I apologized for yelling at him. I really do hate when my temper flares out of control. It doesn't happen often, but it's never a good thing.

So anyhow, when I finally got home and called them to let them know the situation, would you believe I got their damn voicemail? So even if I would have called while I was looking, I probably wouldn't have been able to get in touch with someone anyhow. I left a message and will reschedule for Monday if I can, but man, what a bad morning!

What's that smell?

I haven't really had too many pregnancy symptoms lately, though I seem to have the scent capabilities of a hound dog.

Today, my husband came back from Sam's Club and spilled the air freshener oil he had bought all over himself. It was absolutely killing me! I went and took a shower (though he should have been the one bathing) and when I came out, the air freshener scent was gone but it smelled like he was cooking something.

Because his butt was firmly positioned on the computer chair, as it was before my shower, I asked, "Are you cooking something?"

Suddenly, a lightbulb came on. He yelled, "Oh shit!" and ran downstairs.

I went down to check and see what was going on...he had left eggs boiling downstairs for over an hour! All of the water had evaporated and when he went to pour water in the pot, the eggs exploded all over the kitchen.

Hours later, we are still finding pieces of egg in random places around the kitchen.

Beach Vacay, Day 2

Today was a good day. Subdued, but good. I woke up at around 6:30, which is definitely not characteristic, but it gave me some solitude so that I could enjoy breakfast on the deck peacefully.

In the late morning, we all headed down to the beach. I stayed under the canopy the entire time,1qwa but still ended up getting sun somehow. J was being a terror for part of the morning, but behaved better once Zach joined him for play. My husband dug out what equated to a fox hole and the kids had a blast playing in it.

Later, we hung out by the pool for a bit and then took a nap. This is the life! Then, off to the store for groceries and back to enjoy taco night.

Now, to try and calm J down enough to get him ready for bed. He goes to bed late as it is, but he is all keyed up from playing with Zach and is jumping around like a monkey.

In other news, if I am not pregnant, I will be shocked. Current daily occurrences include nausea and fatigue, and today began the frequent urination. Also, I am craving cheese and almonds like it's nobody's business and am repulsed by sweets. Me, repulsed by sweets?!? WTF?!? I ate a Good N' Fruity today because I LOVE them, and it tasted like wax to me.

I think I am going to test tomorrow. But, don't worry - if it comes up negative, I will not assume I am not pregnant (nor will I assume I am). I know it is early. Last time I was pregnant though, the HPTs I used (I buy the cheap ones from eBay - 50 for $15) showed a very faint line several days before I was supposed to test, which got progressively darker each day. I was checking out some other charts on Fertility Friend and those who tested on CD28 and were pregnant got a positive result. Tomorrow is CD28 for me, so I am going to go for it. I just can't stand it!

Road Trip!!!

Tomorrow, we are heading to NC for a week of relaxation. We are renting a house on the beach between Wilmington and Myrtle Beach with my husband's sister, mom, and grandmother, along with my sister-in-law's friend, Kim, and her little boy, who is 2.

I am REEAAAAALLLLLYYY looking forward to a week of complete rest and relaxation. There will be plenty of people to help with J and since we are in the middle of nowhere with not too much else to do but hang on the beach (though we do have internet access at the house so I will not be completely disconnected from the world).

Here's hoping for good weather!