Three Years Later

Three years...wow. With the New Year here, I thought about how helpful I found blogging to be in the past for helping me to reflect on the good and bad in my life. Logging in today, I see that it has been nearly three whole years since my last post.

The things that have happened to me in the last three years have been quite profound. For me, at least.

2013 was the worst year of my life professionally. My boss/mentor/best friend was asked to head up a different department. I was next in line and held her position as interim for a few months, but did not like the direction the new leadership wanted to take the department so I declined from applying for the permanent role. The vice president over our department pulled me out and moved me to the fundraising side of things to oversee data management and gift processing. She then promoted someone with less experience and no management skills to take my bosses' position. I was angry, resentful, and felt completely marginalized. Before I moved out of my department, and long after, I went through the 5 stages of grieving...for the loss of my amazing boss. For the loss of my previous role. For the loss of my identity.

It was a very dark time for me. I went to the vice president and asked her to reconsider and she said no. Actually, she put a box of tissues in front of me and then said no, assuming I was going to cry. I could spend all day slamming her for some of the decisions she made as a leader or the way she treated people, but honestly, looking back, she taught me something very important. She made me own up to my personal fear of failure and embrace risk taking.

Hope came in late 2014 when said vice president left the university. They asked my boss to take back oversight of my old department. She said she would only do so if they gave it to her in the condition she would have had it in if she'd had it all along. So I was pulled back in to lead the department.

It was the job I never thought I wanted. High profile, demanding, intense pressure, and a huge risk and possibility of failure. But under the right circumstances, it could be great. And it was.

I decided that 2015 would be my year to take risks to overcome my fear of failure. I did an interview for a syndicated television show on behalf of my organization, I became vice president and conference chair of the state association for my profession, I served on a panel for a webinar for our regional professional association. I spoke at a function where there president was watching. While these may not sound scary to some people, they were for me: an extroverted introvert who is trying to overcome a fear of failure (and who isn't very fond of public speaking).

Looking back on 2015, I'd say that overall, it was a success. I have an amazing boss and a fantastic team and we were able to accomplish some pretty great things over the year. I definitely did not do it alone...and could not have done any of it without them.

Personally, life is good. the kids are old enough now that they entertain themselves for the most part and don't fight as much as they used to. There are the everyday struggles that come with managing a household, raising children, and working full-time, but those aren't the things I stress about. What bothers me, and what drove me back to my blog, is my weight.

Last year, I had a partial hysterectomy and actually lost a few pounds from the surgery. I looked great. I started running and couldn't keep my appetite in check. Gained and lost the same 5 pounds every week. Then, this summer, it became ten. This fall, when I stopped running, it became fifteen. Right now, my goal weight is 21 pounds lighter than I am today. My clothes barely fit and the self-talk going on in my head is pretty discouraging right now.

I know that part of the problem is my over-reliance on the scale. I weigh myself every morning. I shouldn't do that and I know it. I got back on track with strength training and running over the holiday break and am seeing muscle and strength gains. My eating is back in check. Physically, I feel pretty good. The hard part will be going back to work on Monday and trying to maintain the healthy habits I have started.

My resolutions and goals for 2016:

• Run/walk 500 miles 
• Strength train 3x a week - no excuses
• Stay consistent with Kayla Itsines and Tone It Up workouts
• Eat cleaner - indulge occasionally, but never twice in one day and or for consecutive days
• Eliminate the scale and celebrate non-scale victories
• Post to fitness/health Instagram account to check in daily
• Blog at least once a week
• Stay organized - personally and professionally
• Get out more - do more outings with the kids and as a family
• Read more books
• Limit Facebook time (you know you've been on Facebook too much when you have a dream that Mark Zuckerberg knows who you are)
• Remember that I am only in competition with myself
• Speak to myself the way I would a good friend 
• Practice gratitude
• Speak kindly of others or say nothing at all 

I am really so blessed. I am healthy, if not fit. I am loved. I have a great career. My boys are really good kids. I have amazing friends. I have a good life. I am not perfect and will probably always see myself as a work in progress, but perhaps that is a good thing.   

2012 Resolutions

Let's see how many of these I can break in the first week. In all seriousness, there are a lot of things I need to change and now is as good a time as any...

• Lose 10 pounds. Ugh, I hate to even admit it out loud that I have let myself go, but I have. Not sure why, really, but since July I have gained at least 10 pounds. Emotional eating is the most likely culprit, paired with the fact that my feet are so bad that I can't do cardio at the moment. Feet are undergoing treatment and hope for that to change soon.
• Exercise at least 3 days a week. I am an all or nothing person for the most part, so this will be hard for me. I know I can do it though.
• Live in the moment. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and that what-ifs. I need to spend more time being and less time thinking. I know that if I can do that, I will enjoy life more.
• Spend less money. Okay, so this has been a resolution of mine for years and I've never really been conservative about the way I spend money. The problem is that my husband has become less conservative over the years as well. We need to tighten up. I am going to try to take the words, "It's only x dollars" out of my repertoire.
• Keep juicing. I never feel healthier than when I juice regularly. Lately, I've been doing it about 3x a week - would like to increase that if I can find the time.
• Feed the kids healthier foods. It's tough working full time and trying to get them to eat what they are supposed to and not junk. Especially when J refuses to eat ANYTHING green. I am going to have to break out Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook, methinks.
• Cook more often. I started baking over the holidays and for the first time ever, had a few successes. It made me realize that I actually enjoy baking. Maybe I will like to cook as well. I think I am finally ready to learn.
• Attend church (on days that are not Easter and Christmas). When I was a kid, I loved going to church. My parents didn't go, so my Sunday school teacher would come and pick me up. Since we are getting close to when J will need to attend CCD, it's time to get back into it, though we will likely have to sit in the crying room for awhile.

I think this is enough for now, though there are other things I'm sure I could improve upon.

Happy New Year!

A Wrinkle in Time

There have been millions of times when I have said, "I need to update my blog" since the last time I actually did, but alas, I can never get to the computer to do so when it's on my mind. Today though, I was actually at the computer so I can finally post something when I actually have something to say.

I turned 38 a few weeks ago and I kid you not, the second I did it was like God flipped a switch on my face and I am developing wrinkles at a rapid pace. What kills me is that I've spent thousands of dollars over time to take care of my skin - creams, serums, facials, etc. and my skin is no better than my husband's - also 38 - who does none of these things (thank God, or we'd be broke).

For my class reunion earlier this year, I tried Botox. Loved the effects it had on my forehead, until I forgot to tell my acupuncturist about it and she stuck needles there. Apparently, acupuncture draws out toxins. Who knew?!? I had them add some under and around my eyes and wasn't happy with the results but somehow made it to the reunion looking halfway decent. Still, I think I'm too young to become a Botox junkie. Maybe I should try another doctor?

An hour after I had my first Botox treatment, I looked in the mirror and noticed that one eyelid was drooping lower than the other. I freaked out (did you happen to see the episode of Modern Family where Al Bundy gets Botox?) and called the plastic surgeon's office. They said it couldn't have been from the Botox that soon...and they were right. Six months later and I still have it. My neurologist ran all kinds of diagnostic tests (blood work, MRI, MRA, etc.) and all came back negative for a medical cause. It very likely was from the Topamax I was taking for my migraines.

So here I am with a deep wrinkle in my chin, one starting on my nose, crepey skin under my eyes, major smile lines and ptosis of the eyelid. I am regretting every day I went out in the sun with baby oil and iodine in my teenage years and every second I spent in tanning beds in my 20s to look hot for a night out or a special occasion.

I guess I should be grateful that I've made it to 38, considering all of the stupid things I did in my youth. And I suppose I should be thrilled that visits to the dermatologist have not yet turned up squamous or melanoma skin cancers. But tell that to my vanity gene. All it cares about are the wrinkles.

Sigh.

I Before E, Except After C

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine last night...a conversation that I've actually had with many of my friends who've known me for years and years, and it got me thinking.

We were talking about my job and I said I thought it was ideal because I really prefer working alone. I mentioned that I am an introvert and she started laughing.

Mind you, this friend knows another side of me. A side people rarely see anymore. I used to be a party girl, and by party girl I mean that I had to be wherever there was a party.

I remember that as a kid, I didn't mind playing by myself. I wanted to be an only child and was pissed when my mom decided to have more children. I had my two imaginary friends, Kimmie and Joey, and that was enough for me. So, innately, I guess I was an introvert.

When I got into middle school, I became a social butterfly. I couldn't stand spending a weekend home with my family, so I was hardly ever there. I'd alternate between my friends, Debbie, Lisa, Dana, and whoever else had cool parents who would let me stay from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. And when I wasn't with my friends, I was on the phone with them.

This continued through high school (though I didn't mind staying home as much in high school -- I was the only one who didn't have a curfew so most everyone would stay at my house). Especially once I discovered parties in 9th grade. If there was something going on, I had to be there - I'd even leave an outgoing message on my answering machine letting everyone know exactly where I would be and at what time, to be sure my friends could find me (remember, this was pre-cell phone).

In college, I was no different. Right after I graduated, I took the MBTI and it indicated that I was on "off the chart" extrovert.

Something happened though after I got married and got over the transition from college student to wife. I started liking going out less and less and being home with Stephen more and more. I was tested again back in 2003 and again in 2004 and I am unquestionably an introvert now.

Don't get me wrong. I can still party with the best of them when I *want* to, but the truth is, I hardly ever want to anymore (even if I wasn't pregnant). I truly love all of my friends and enjoy spending time with them, but I'm just as happy to spend an evening on the couch with Stephen.

So, I may seem like an extrovert to those who've known me forever...because they bring it out in me. But in reality, I prefer a good book and a snuggle with my husband any day.

I admit it. I've let myself go.

Okay, I admit it.

I've let myself go.

I was looking in the mirror this morning and was appalled by what I saw. I've gained 10 pounds in the last 2 months, which brings me up to 130.

Ugh.

So, this morning I devised a new routine. I will wake up, check my email, go for a vigorous walk, come home, shower, and then begin work for the day.

I've always been against working out in the mornings because I tend to get a little shaky. However, if I don't do it in the morning, I usually don't get around to it. There is always something else to do.

Plus, if I work out in the mornings, I will be less prone to eat like crap during the day.

Or so I hope.

I started with a mere 20 minutes today, but will work up to an hour in 10 minute intervals. I've always been an all or nothing person so I'm hoping this will work.

When we lived in Kansas, I was a walking fanatic - by the time we left there, I was up to 6 miles a day, weighed 113 pounds, and felt incredible. I want to feel like that again.

I'm also hoping that the exercise will rid me of this overall feeling of malaise that I've been experiencing lately. My symptoms: tired, achy, constant thirst, frequent urination, headaches, etc. I went to the doctor last week and he ordered up blood work -- his concerns were that it could be diabetes (unlikely if you ask me) or a thyroid problem. I'll go back this week to let him go over the results.

They says it takes 21 days to develop a habit -- so I am vowing right now to take up my new morning ritual for 21 days in the next four weeks.

Stay tuned!

To Dye For

Holy crap! I can't believe I did this!!!

I dyed my hair!!!

First, I must share the rationale. My husband and I are probably going to start the process of in vitro fertilization in the next few months. If I get pregnant, I'm not going to be able to keep my hair in those pretty highlights that I love so much.

Another reason I considered it is because my hair is SO unhealthy...it's brittle and dry and doesn't look good unless it is styled to death. I figure that if I can go some time without getting highlights or bleaching my hair, I can get it looking healthier (and then ravage it again with new highlights).

Okay, so I did it. I didn't commit entirely though - I used a semi-permanent (washes out in 28 shampoos) color. It was supposed to be golden brown, but came out more of an auburn color. Me thinks this is due to the color mixing with my blond highlights because underneath, where there are no highlights, my hair is more brown than red.

I blowdryed it and styled it and looked at myself in the mirror. My first thought: Man, do I need a tan!!! My second thought: WHY, GOD, WHY?!? My third thought: Maybe I just need time to get used to it.

My husband hasn't seen it yet. He loves me as a blond but it was actually his suggestion that I dye it brown if I wanted to...I already know that his first reaction will be shock. He will probably look at me 100 times, not recognizing that I am the person he married. Then he will either tell me to wash my hair 28 times or take me to bed.

The jury is still out.

So Excited, I Could...

Some may think I'm a freak, but...I'm going to see Duran Duran AGAIN! They scheduled more tour dates for this summer and will be in Orlando on July 18th so I scored pre-sale tickets, which are guaranteed to be in rows 6-15!!!

Not only that, but the band is going to be backed by the Orlando Philharmonic Orchestra - a one-time thing. The venue is super small (only seats 2600 people) so it's going to be incredible!!!

I swear, the excitement of seeing them brings me back to when I was 10 years old and had posters of them plastered to my walls.

I don't think many adults get as ga-ga for groups or singers the way we do when we are young. I talk to older people who remember Duran Duran and they just don't have the adoration that those who grew up listening to them did. Kids now go crazy for groups that adults don't get very excited about...same thing.

I am honestly so excited I could pee! But I won't. At least not while I'm sitting in my chair typing this. Maybe later. Definitely later. It's not like I will have a choice, you know. ;)

The rantings of a sleep-deprived zombie

Okay, it's really early in the morning (I mean, REALLY early) and I can't sleep.

There is just so much eating at my brain right now. Do I want this job? Do I not want this job? If I want it, do I want it for the right reasons? Is it worth it?

Really, I've decided to let fate step in. If my husband gets a job offer before I do, then yes, I will accept the position and move out here to Arizona. But -- if he doesn't, then it's not going to happen.

Personally, I don't think we have enough time for that to happen. My boss wants to move fast on making the decision and there simply isn't enough time when you consider that it can take months to find a job. I am still going to go through the motions, meet with all of the deans and all of that, but really, I don't think it's going to happen.

When I wonder if I want this for the right reasons, it's because a) the money is outstanding and b) my boss really wants me in this position. My boss is like a sister to me...really, we are more family then colleagues...but we've mastered the balance between the two, which makes our working relationship incredible. She has basically said that if I don't accept the position, she may try to find something else within the university. The job in Arizona is very daunting and she is overseeing it -- if the wrong person is running the show out here, her stress level will be critical. She is a new mom and doesn't need that in her life. I have been trying to prepare her for the possibility that this might not happen, but she is still hopeful.

If this all works out, I have a master plan. Because she has a master plan. Hers is to stay in her position for two more years and leave. If the stars all align and I do take this job out here, my plan is to do it for two years and then move into her position when she leaves, moving me back to Florida. If she were to leave now, I really don't think I am ready to fill her shoes...especially when it means overseeing the AZ operations. If it were offered to me, I wouldn't turn it down...the money is even better than the job out here and the cost of living in where I am is cheaper...I just don't know.

The traveling is getting to me. I missed my flight on Monday morning due to a looooong security line and it was like Odyssey to get to work. The night before, I got three hours of sleep and was running on empty. Still, I had to work on the plane...and at the airport...and at the hotel. There's just so much to do! That said, I need to TRY and get back to sleep so I am not a total zombie tomorrow...I mean, today.

Sigh.

The Wild Boys

I am so f*cking happy right now I could pee my pants!!! Downright giddy, even!!! The reason?

Duran Duran.

I have been in love with them since they broke onto the US music scene in the very early 80s. I loved their music because...well, let's face it, they are awesome. It didn't hurt that the majority of the band members were so pretty...especially John Taylor.

I had all the records (and still do actually) and for my birthday parties, we would rent a VHS of their latest videos and watch them. I had the Duran Duran shoes...pins all over my jacket...pictures all over my walls...I was a pre-teen obsessed!

I've waited 22 years to see them - and the crazy thing is that I feel the same kind of excitement I felt back then just thinking about it!

Our seats are somewhat nosebleed, but dead center to the stage. I'm sure the concert will be packed with 30-something women who fawned over them the way I did...and their husbands who thought the group was pretty damn cool. We're going with my husband's best friend and his fiance, and my best friend from childhood, Debbie, and her husband.

I think it means even more to me that Debbie is coming...it wouldn't be right without her! She was just as crazy about them as I was back then. We used to pretend that we were going out on double dates with John and Simon -- we always had to take turns because truthfully, we both wanted to date John! We thought Roger and Nick were pretty cool, but thought that Andy was icky. We still laugh about how silly we were.

I may not come off my high until the concert in February!!! I'm so f*cking stoked!!!

I voted!

I voted!

I figure, since I won't be getting a sticker this year, I'd just let the world know via Internet. I had to submit an absentee ballot because I will be away during the election.

I am SO READY for this election to be over and done with! Even though I am a Republican, I did grapple with my decision for President.

In the end, I voted for who I voted for because it will benefit many of my students (and make my job a lot easier) if he is elected. See, if my candidate is elected (or re-elected, whichever the case may be), there are going to be a lot more jobs for my students when they graduate. I had a company specifically tell me that if this candidate is President, this company will have the ability to hire 100 of my students every year for the next 10 years. How amazing is that?!?

Of course, that's not the ONLY reason, I voted for who I did. But it was that which gave him a slight edge over the other candidate.

Anyhow, I made sure I bubbled in all of my selections very carefully, as not to confuse the voting officials. As the world knows, in the state of Florida, they are easily confused.

My Guardian Angel

I never thought that reading my baby book would make me cry. I was just going through it and came across what my mom wrote for my 3rd birthday:

How celebrated: "At home with us all - even had the glory of having our Ricky with us. He loved his sister so much."

Eight days after my third birthday, Ricky was killed in a hunting accident. He was only 11 years old. He had wanted to go shopping with my mom but she had to work that day, so he went out to the woods with my dad and other brother, Jimmy (he was 15 at the time). Ricky was too young to hunt himself so he stayed back at the truck while Jimmy and my dad went off. He got bored and decided to climb up into an orange tree to pick an orange at the same time two hunters came along. These men were hunting for squirrels with a shot gun and neither had ever taken the hunter safety course (I took and passed it when I was 12). They heard a noise up in an orange tree and without confiming what it was, fired a shot. Ricky died on the way to the hospital. My dad and brother came back to find him gone.

His death has left me with a void that I have felt my whole life. Even though I was just a baby, I remember so much about him. On my 3rd birthday, my mom took me, Ricky, and Jimmy to the Palm Beach Mall. My mom had bought me a pink balloon and when we got out of the car to go inside the house, I accidentally let go of it. Jimmy and Ricky chased it through the yard but couldn't catch it. When my parents tried to explain to me that Ricky was in heaven I said, "Is he going to get my balloon for me?"

It wasn't until I was about six or so that I really understood where Ricky had gone and that he was never coming back. It was like losing him all over again. When left alone, I would scream and cry through the house. When I got to an age where I accepted it, I would talk to him all of the time...in my room before bed every night. Even now, when I pray to God, I talk to Ricky.

It's been almost 28 years since Ricky died but I still think about him all of the time. I wonder what he would be like now. I wonder how different our lives would be...maybe my older brother would have graduated from high school. My parents had planned to stop after me -- I probably wouldn't have my younger brother or sister.

I know that he's with me, even though I can't see him. He's been my guardian angel throughout my life and there have been times when I can even sense him. On earth and in heaven, he's an angel.

The forecast calls for heavy fog

I feel like I'm on a lazy binge these days...I don't know what's going on. It could be that I'm depressed but no, I don't think that's it. I remember this happening to me in college, actually. When I had major impending deadlines, I would shut down and procrastinate until the very last second. It's happening again, I think.

Next week, I have to give a presentation to students on Tuesday in Orlando and then on Friday, I leave for Oshkosh, WI for the weekend to attend an air show (work-related). During the week of August 9th, I then leave for Salt Lake City to present to students, and at the end of August, I will be a guest speaker at a conference in Orlando. In September, I will be a guest speaker at conferences in Scotland and San Diego and then will be able to take a break for 3 weeks before traveling to Las Vegas and Seattle.

Sure, it sounds exciting (and the Scotland trip really is because my husband and I are taking 2 weeks extra to travel the country), but it's all work-related so it's very stressful.

The presentation I'm giving in Scotland has to be almost 4 hours long...AAAAK! I don't even know where to begin! I haven't started writing my presentations for my other two conferences either -- they are the reason I think my system is shutting down and I've become so damn lazy lately.

I need to clear my mind somehow - I'm just hoping it doesn't come at the 11th hour. Procrastinating was fine in college, however in the real world, I need my "A Game" at all times. Especially when my boss is recommending me for a promotion. Somehow I MUST clear the fog that is my brain!!!

Believe

My friend, Jackie, sent me a frantic e-mail message yesterday... apparently there is a "spirit" in her house. She said she was awakened several times the other night and saw a figure standing by her bed. She didn't wake her boyfriend up, but the next morning he said that during the night, the room was lit up very bright (they only have a 60 watt bulb in their room and it was MUCH brighter than this) and then went dark suddenly. She asked around and her neighbor informed her that an older couple had lived in the house for many years and that the husband had died.

Before you become skeptical, you should know that a few days prior to this, Jackie was having lunch with my husband and I and we got into a discussion about haunted houses -- she said she didn't believe in them. A few days later, this happened.

The conversation began because Jackie was the photographer at my sister's wedding. I asked her if she saw any strange lights or figures in any of the photos and she asked why. I explained to her that the King's Mansion (the site of the wedding) is haunted. In fact, during the rehearsal, my mom saw a ghost - it was a woman and she looked alive. Throughout the entire event, I was freaked out and would get strange vibes every time I was alone. My cousin, Leyla and my friend, Frances are both very in tune with "the other side" and both said they felt a bad presence there.

I've had several "otherworld" experiences in my life that have made me a believer.

*The night my older brother died, I was only three years old - they hadn't told me what happened to him but that night, I dreamt that a giant took him away from us. I was three years old (had turned three a week beforehand), but I remember that dream in detail. As I got older, a few times I dreamt that the man who shot him (it was a hunting accident) was after me...every time I had this dream, the fire alarm in the house went off.

*My friend, Rhett died at the age of 17. He accidentally shot himself so it came as a huge shock. On the Christmas Eve after he died, I went to the cemetery - his parents were both there so the three of us stood at the gravesite. I physically felt a hand brush my ankle. Not only that but every time I drove past the cemetery, my foot would tingle.

*A friend and I used to use a ouija board to try and talk to Rhett...one time she and I were on it when several of my friends were in the room with us. An "evil spirit" got one the board and was spelling out all kinds of horrible and evil things. The board was moving so fast that we could barely keep up. I will never get on a ouija board again because of that incident.

*I lived in a house that was a brothel back in the forties. There was definitely some kind of a presence there. Sometimes I would glance at something and it would fall off the wall. One time, my cousin and room mate were downstairs (nobody else was home) and they could hear someone pacing upstairs in my bedroom (the floors were all wood so it was very loud). They checked (after some terrified hesitation) and there was nobody there.

*Before my husband's dad died, I used to use tarot cards all of the time. Every time I used them, it kept saying something bad was about to happen. After his dad died, they said that something bad had just happened.

There are actually more, but these are the ones that stand out the most. If you haven't guessed, I believe.

On being skinny

I've always equated being skinny with being miserable. Every time I've ever been what I would call skinny, something bad or unhealthy has been going on in my life to make me not eat.

For example, when I was in college, I was skinny, but that was mostly because I was a party girl (see pic of me below -- I'm the one on the right - don't make fun of the hair, it was 1995). Food is the last thing on the mind of a hung over party girl. When I lived in Kansas, I was also very skinny -- but that's because I was in Kansas (do I even need to explain myself?).

I'd like to try something new. I'd like to be thinner (I don't say skinny because that's such a bad word) but I want to be healthy about it. I'm suddenly in "motivation phase" and I am hoping to stay on track -- stop obsessing about food and start working out consistently again. I also want to be healthier for when I do get pregnant (hopefully soon). Currently, I weigh 125.5 pounds. I don't ever want to be THAT thin again, however I would be very happy to get down between 117 and 120.

Is this part of aging?!?

I used to love pineapple...it was my favorite fruit in the entire world. One day though, something happened...the pineapple stopped liking me back. It made my throat hurt and my lips itch. I ignored the problem...thought it was something else but then I noticed it happening every time I ate pineapple. I decided I had an allergy and left pineapple for another fruit.

The apple and I were doing great for a long time - it was my favorite fruit and I would try to eat one or more every day. About two weeks ago, the apple decided it didn't like me anymore. I was in denial for some time until today when I did research online. Turns out that I have developed something called Oral Allergy Syndrome, an allergy to certain raw fruits.

I am absolutely devastated! What next?!? Strawberries?!? I can't even stand to think about it.

WHY, GOD, WHY?!?

Hallelujah!!!

Things have finally gotten better! Hallelujah! My husband was offered a position on Thursday evening and accepted. There is a chance we might not have to move and the salary is considerably more than he was making before!

I have mixed feelings about the moving thing. I don't know why - I just feel like I'm ready for a change. I enjoy my job and even better - I'm very happy with the salary and the job title, but something deep inside me says it's time to get out. My boss has told me that she will not stay there if I leave - which makes me stop and think. It's like, "Wow, when will I ever have a boss who loves me so much that she wouldn't want to work there without me?" Most people hate their bosses and here mine is my best friend! How lucky can you get? And that is why I'm mixed. On one hand I couldn't get any better than what I have, and on the other, I'm burnt out.

I am a firm believer that fate will play out and if we're meant to move away, we will. If not, I'll survive. It's not like I'm miserable or anything like that. I'm just happy that things are looking better for us. It was touch and go for awhile there - he was starting to get depressed and lose faith. Thank God this looks like it's working out!!!

Misbehavin'

I've been misbehavin' lately - not eating right and not exercising. It's just been in the last 3 days - but it's gotta stop. Even if we aren't trying to get pregnant now, we could be 3 months from now so I do still need to take care of myself.

Health kick

Well, I'm on Day 2 of my new lease on health and am feeling very proud of myself. I ate very good all day yesterday and today and plan to continue on this route. The funny thing is that when I am tempted to eat something non-healthy, I now say to myself, "Do you want to get pregnant and be unhealthy?" And the answer is no. This is more important to me than potato chips or cookies.

Big thanks to Michele for suggesting I try honey mustard instead of mayo on sandwiches - you have no idea how many calories and fat grams you are saving me! :)

I'm (sorta) a loser baby...

I am a loser, but only partially so. I didn't "hit the gym" on Saturday, but I had a very good reason - I didn't want to purchase a month-long membership if I am going to be out of town most of this week. Excuses, I know.

I did work out yesterday - I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer and every 5 minutes, I'd get off and do some sort of conditioning exercise (crunches, push-ups, etc.). Then today, I did "yogalates" for an hour.

I am bloated and all that good stuff, so I don't know what I was thinking by stepping on the scale today. According to it, I've gained 10 pounds since February. 10 pounds! It came out of nowhere, I swear!

No, honestly, I know EXACTLY where it came from...a combination of eating crap and not exercising. But, that's it - that's my limit. I refuse to weigh more than 127 ever again (unless I'm pregnant).

Speaking of pregnant, my husband and I have decided to forge ahead with trying to start a family. Woo hoo! But here's the pact I'm making with myself...if I am going to be responsible for the health of another life, I have GOT to develop healthier habits. This isn't about vanity anymore. It can't be.

Get your butt of the computer!

While I wasn't able to work out Thursday and I got my "monthly visitor" yesterday, I am definitely working out today. In fact, I am going to go join the YMCA for a month - at least, in order to get motivated. We have a Bowflex and an elliptical trainer at home, but it is SO HARD to get motivated in an environment where you are reminded of all of the things you could be doing instead. In fact, as soon as I get off the computer, I will get ready to hit the gym.