The rantings of a sleep-deprived zombie

Okay, it's really early in the morning (I mean, REALLY early) and I can't sleep.

There is just so much eating at my brain right now. Do I want this job? Do I not want this job? If I want it, do I want it for the right reasons? Is it worth it?

Really, I've decided to let fate step in. If my husband gets a job offer before I do, then yes, I will accept the position and move out here to Arizona. But -- if he doesn't, then it's not going to happen.

Personally, I don't think we have enough time for that to happen. My boss wants to move fast on making the decision and there simply isn't enough time when you consider that it can take months to find a job. I am still going to go through the motions, meet with all of the deans and all of that, but really, I don't think it's going to happen.

When I wonder if I want this for the right reasons, it's because a) the money is outstanding and b) my boss really wants me in this position. My boss is like a sister to me...really, we are more family then colleagues...but we've mastered the balance between the two, which makes our working relationship incredible. She has basically said that if I don't accept the position, she may try to find something else within the university. The job in Arizona is very daunting and she is overseeing it -- if the wrong person is running the show out here, her stress level will be critical. She is a new mom and doesn't need that in her life. I have been trying to prepare her for the possibility that this might not happen, but she is still hopeful.

If this all works out, I have a master plan. Because she has a master plan. Hers is to stay in her position for two more years and leave. If the stars all align and I do take this job out here, my plan is to do it for two years and then move into her position when she leaves, moving me back to Florida. If she were to leave now, I really don't think I am ready to fill her shoes...especially when it means overseeing the AZ operations. If it were offered to me, I wouldn't turn it down...the money is even better than the job out here and the cost of living in where I am is cheaper...I just don't know.

The traveling is getting to me. I missed my flight on Monday morning due to a looooong security line and it was like Odyssey to get to work. The night before, I got three hours of sleep and was running on empty. Still, I had to work on the plane...and at the airport...and at the hotel. There's just so much to do! That said, I need to TRY and get back to sleep so I am not a total zombie tomorrow...I mean, today.

Sigh.