My Guardian Angel

I never thought that reading my baby book would make me cry. I was just going through it and came across what my mom wrote for my 3rd birthday:

How celebrated: "At home with us all - even had the glory of having our Ricky with us. He loved his sister so much."

Eight days after my third birthday, Ricky was killed in a hunting accident. He was only 11 years old. He had wanted to go shopping with my mom but she had to work that day, so he went out to the woods with my dad and other brother, Jimmy (he was 15 at the time). Ricky was too young to hunt himself so he stayed back at the truck while Jimmy and my dad went off. He got bored and decided to climb up into an orange tree to pick an orange at the same time two hunters came along. These men were hunting for squirrels with a shot gun and neither had ever taken the hunter safety course (I took and passed it when I was 12). They heard a noise up in an orange tree and without confiming what it was, fired a shot. Ricky died on the way to the hospital. My dad and brother came back to find him gone.

His death has left me with a void that I have felt my whole life. Even though I was just a baby, I remember so much about him. On my 3rd birthday, my mom took me, Ricky, and Jimmy to the Palm Beach Mall. My mom had bought me a pink balloon and when we got out of the car to go inside the house, I accidentally let go of it. Jimmy and Ricky chased it through the yard but couldn't catch it. When my parents tried to explain to me that Ricky was in heaven I said, "Is he going to get my balloon for me?"

It wasn't until I was about six or so that I really understood where Ricky had gone and that he was never coming back. It was like losing him all over again. When left alone, I would scream and cry through the house. When I got to an age where I accepted it, I would talk to him all of the time...in my room before bed every night. Even now, when I pray to God, I talk to Ricky.

It's been almost 28 years since Ricky died but I still think about him all of the time. I wonder what he would be like now. I wonder how different our lives would be...maybe my older brother would have graduated from high school. My parents had planned to stop after me -- I probably wouldn't have my younger brother or sister.

I know that he's with me, even though I can't see him. He's been my guardian angel throughout my life and there have been times when I can even sense him. On earth and in heaven, he's an angel.