I have been so proud of myself so far during this pregnany because I can count the number of times I've had any kind of emotional breakdown on one hand. You always hear stories about how moody and emotional pregnant women are, but honestly, I've been more even-keeled pregnant than not. Today though, I lost it.
Stephen and I went in for my appointment at 1. The nurse mid-wife did an ultrasound to check the volume of amniotic fluid (as a bonus we got to see just how well-endowed our little boy is, though I'm sure it's just swelling) and then performed a non-stress test. Both showed that everything was fine and that J. is still very healthy, which of course is good news.
Then she checked my cervix and alas, I am still only one centimeter dilated. This of course means that they will not schedule an induction. I got so discouraged that I started crying at the doctor's office and couldn't stop. I'm just so tired of feeling so terrible all of the time, and even worse, I'm tired of everyone and their sister calling to ask, "what, no baby yet?!?"
I know people mean well and are asking because they care, but it's just too much now. Just talking about it makes me get choked up because I'm over everything. And I'm very tired. And emotionally drained.
I decided to be pre-emptive and email the biggest offenders to give them an update about the state of my pregnancy. I assured them that I will let them know when I have good news. I just hope they trust me enough to back off a little bit.
We shall see.
The musings of a working mom trying to get back in shape
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7 comments:
Don't feel bad about not wanting to talk to anyone right now. I was in such a state around the time I had Grace that I told Kurt that HE was calling everyone I had the baby when she finally came; I had no desire to talk to ANYONE.
I can only imagine your frustration, and I think you're perfectly within your rights to be feeling upset. I'll be crossing my fingers that Jacob will listen to Mommy and get the hell outta you already! ;o)
*hugs*
Seriously, you made me feel so much better just reading your post. Thank you, sweetie! I needed that!
maybe jake wants to be born on the 13th too. i hope you have him soon so you can be a mom already. maybe you should try jumping jacks... okay- don't listen to me. i've never been pregnant and i have no idea how feasable a jumping jack is at this point for you. it was just a thought. a funny thought.
good luck! ;o)
Oh honey. I am so sorry you're upset. I was talking to cory today and I told her the story of how depressed (literally, depressed) I was because E. didn't come on the day I really, really, really, really thought she would. All through the preg. I just had it in my mind that I would kick into labor on the EXACT same day (preg. wise, not calendar-wise) that I went into to labor with A. Stupid, huh? Well, it made sense to me and I really had my hopes up. No matter what anyone said to me, I just knew it was going to happen.
Do I have to tell you that day came and went and NOTHING? Ha! I have blocked most of it out of my mind, but I am quite sure I was in tears when I went to bed that night. The next morning was my 38 week dr. appt. and just like before I had A., they examined me, told me I *might* possibly be a fingertip dilated (and you KNOW they only said that to make me feel better) and I think 70% effaced (I was 80% w/A.). She told me she wasn't sure of course, but that she'd probably see me next week (same thing they said w/A.). I was so upset I couldn't even see straight. THAT WAS NOT IN MY PLAN DAMN IT!
Here is the good news, after only being a fingertip (which is absolutely NOTHING...I hear once you have number one, you stay a fingertip dialated, even when not preg!) dialated, I ended up NOT going to my next appt!!!
You're a bit ahead of me since you're a centimeter (I'd have given my right arm for one lousy centimeter!!!)...so you just keep thinking labor thoughts. It is so hard I know, in some ways, you feel like your body is really letting you down (never mind all the amazing work it's been doing...). I don't know if you feel this way, but because of my m/c I also felt like I just wanted her OUT where I knew she was safe (even though my doula kept telling me is very, very safe in the womb...I was still scared).
Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! I am reliving this with you! It is so very draining. You never knew that a day could last so long, and that a week could stretch out for what seems like a month. You hang in there and you know what? You do whatever the freak you need to do. If you need to eat a Snickers bar three times a day until you have the baby, then have at it! If you need to buy a Coach purse (how about one for every week...that way you won't go broke!)...then do it! You deserve it...whatever "it" is. Don't talk to anyone on the phone if you don't want. Screw 'em! If you don't feel like getting out of bed tomorrow...DON'T! Just lie there and watch tv (and eat snickers!). Sleeping will help to pass the time anyway! Hell, my doula told me a glass of wine is very good at the very end of preg. when you are trying to get labor to start...it's relaxing. Have a freaking glass of wine. Oh, and use that breast pump! Not exactly fun, but it does work!
Hugs to you, little mama!
Whew - I didn't get an email!
Seriously, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think people just ask because they're excited. Hang in there.
Becky - I'm willing to try anything at this point...how about doing jumping jacks while eating something spicy and having sex at the same time?!? You never know, it could work. Then I could write a book about it and make millions (but give you credit for the jumping jacks part, of course)! ;)
Christine...thank you so much for every little bit of experience, advice and insight you've offered during my pregnancy. Seriously - you have been so helpful and wonderful - makes me love you even more. :) THANK YOU!!!!
Cory - of course you are not an offender! :) I'm hanging...it's all I can do.
So... how 'bout dem Gators?!? :-)
Love ya much!
xoxo
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